The Prophet Blog

You can’t cap off the end of a decade without laughing at the worst songs to pollute the airwaves, so here’s my official list of the top 15 worst songs of the decade.

Now before the stans throw a hissy fit just remember that this is all in good fun so try to stay calm if your fave was mentioned. Trust me, some of mine made the list!

15. Leona Lewis – Happy

What’s the best way to follow-up a mega smash like “Bleeding Love”? Fucked if I know, but it’s certainly not letting the same producer give you a z-grade version of the song that made you famous in the first place.

As much as I love Leona Lewis I still think that the song is a boring mediocre stinker that should’ve stayed on Tedders cutting room floor.

14. Michelle McManus – All This Time

The Idol winners song is usually guaranteed to be a cheesy mess, but Michelle McManus really takes the cake with her single “All This Time”.

Just like fellow Brit Le-Lew, Mish-Mac shot to fame after winning a popular talent show, but unlike Leona Michelle was accused of taking home the title off the back of a sympathy vote, which was later proven to be true when the general public failed to buy any of her music once the show wrapped up and she was dropped after releasing only two singles.

13. Girlicious – Stupid Shit

In the appropriately titled “Stupid Shit” reality TV rejects Girlicious sing about having sex and causing trouble, which is an exciting subject but Girlicious somehow manage to make it sound about as appealing as getting a pap smear.

The vapid foursome drive the point home in the accompanying music video which can only be described as low-budget porno for tweens, but it’s real target market are the kids fathers who probably masturbate to the clip on mute while their wives and children are asleep.

12. Cascada – Every song they’ve ever released

It was hard to choose exactly which one of Cascada’s high-NRG turds to put on this list because they’re all so bloody God awful, so I thought why not include them all?

I mean all their songs use the exact same structure. It starts off with the groups front woman Natalie Horler singing some vomitous song almost accapella without a hint of soul or personality to her voice, before the same old headache inducing monotonous techno beat kicks in for the chorus.

The only time the German euro-dance abomination ever changed their sound was when they blatantly ripped off Lady GaGa’s “Just Dance” for their latest single “Evacuate The Dancefloor”, which is exactly what I do whenever one of their songs comes on at the club.

11. Heidi Montag – Higher

I have a strange obsession with Heidi Montag’s music and I admit that The Hills bimbo has a quite a few plays on my iPod, but not even I can get through “Higher” without wanting to stick a knife into my eardrums.

Even worse than the song is it’s music video which shows Heidi resembling an autotuned lollipop in a pink bikini parading around on the beach in a less sexy version of the Pam & Tommy Lee sex tape.

To cap off the catastrophic clip Heidi stares seductively into the camera and coos “Am I Dreaming?”. Bitch this is no dream, it’s a fucking nightmare!

10. Nicole Scherzinger – Baby Love

Nicole Scherzinger showed everyone exactly why her solo album was permanently shelved with her second single “Baby Love”. The song peaked at an impressive #108 on the Billboard charts, which if you ask me is far too high.

How exactly Flopzinger thought that her nasal singing over the most boring beat of will.i.am’s career was going to save her solo career I’ll never know. The song also possessed some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard in my life, with my favourite line being “You make me so crazy, it’s crazy, oh baby”. Genius.

It’s not all bad though, because a remixed version of the song managed to get placed as a bonus track on the French edition of the Pussycat Dolls sophomore album Dull Dumbination.

*blank stare*

NEXT!

9. Mika – Grace Kelly

What’s worse than a Z-grade Freddie Mercury impersonator shrieking incessantly for over 3 minutes?

Nothing!

8. Simple Plan – Perfect

“Sorry I can’t be peeeeeerfect” whines Simple Plan frontman Pierre Bouvier on the bands obnoxious pop-punk power ballad “Perfect”.

The apology is appreciated, but I’d prefer if the band were a little more specific.

How about “Sorry I can’t write a good song”, “Sorry I can’t sing in tune”, or “Sorry I nearly made you throw up after shoving my abysmal music down your throat”?

7. Aaron Carter – Not Too Young, Not Too Old.

If it wasn’t bad enough knowing that Aaron Carter once had a successful music career just throw in the fact he was actually a rapper and you’ll be reaching for the Valium and Jack Daniels in no time.

It was hard for me to choose which one of Aaron’s stunning classics to include on this list, but I decided on ‘Not Too Young Not Too Old’ simply for the fact that it features his older brother Nick dressed in an over-sized baseball jersey saying “This is how we roll”.

Gangsta!

6. Jacki O – Pussy (Real Good)

Who would’ve thought that Khia could inspire her own legion of copycats? Well she did, with the most noticeable being Jacki-O and her uber-flop ‘Pussy (Real Good)’.

The song was released to BET & VH1 under the censored title of ‘Nookie’, but you can’t ignore the iconic lines from the dirty edit like “She my best friend, she keeps it real, I love my pussy, pussy pay my bills”.

That line was later brought to life when Jackie confirmed last year that she had to sleep with the head of her label in order to get paid her advance money of ten grand.

5. Mariah Carey – Bye Bye

Why a world class diva like Mariah Carey felt the need to re-use a worn out old Stargate beat in a desperate attempt to recreate her biggest hit “One Sweet Day” is beyond me, but she did, and the results were cringe worthy to say the least.

The video didn’t help matters either, which was about as bland and uninspiring as the song itself.

4. Beyonce – Ring The Alarm

Beyonce is usually pretty spot on when it comes to her singles she’s delivered some of the best songs of the decade, but she also created one of the worst with “Ring The Alarm”.

The audible nightmare sounds like a crazed homeless man broke into somebody’s house and the alarm went off so they stormed into the kitchen and started throwing and kicking all the pots and pans around whilst screaming at the top of their lungs in a violent rabid crystal meth induced frenzy.

You couldn’t give “Ring The Alarm” away if you tried. Trust me I know because I gave B’Day away to two Bangladeshi sisters I used to work with and they gave it back to me the next day!

3. Girls Aloud vs Sugababes – Walk This Way

You’d think that Britians two biggest girl groups coming together would be pretty epic right? Well it wasn’t, and instead of pop perfection we got a musical miscarriage when Girls Aloud and the Sugababes decided to gang rape and mutilate one of the most ground-breaking and iconic songs ever made, “Walk This Way” by Run DMC and Aerosmith.

The song was supposed to be a “charity” single to, but it probably would’ve been better used as a way to torture prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.

2. James Blunt – You’re Beautiful

Honestly who the hell didn’t hate this song when it came out? Who didn’t sit there bewildered and confused wondering why it was being played on the radio every 5 seconds? Who didn’t feel their blood boiling as they imagined reaching into the television and choking the life out of James blcunt as he stood on that freezing cliff warbling “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful”?

James’ other single “Goodbye My Lover” also gets an honourable mention as one of the worst songs of the decade. Actually if James Blunt so much as yawns you can go ahead and add it to the list to.

1. Jessica Simpson – Angels

Out of all the classics Jessica Simpson has butchered over the years her cover of Robbie Williams hit “Angels” is by far the worst.

Jess has always been known for over-singing her songs, but “Angels” takes the cake as she tries to make up her mind between seductive cooing and glass shattering screeching and wailing that’s so high-pitched and loud that even a deaf person could hear it from a mile away.

To add insult to injury Jessica’s manager/father Joe was famously quoted as saying that Angels would be the song to win his daughter a Grammy, when in reality all it did was score her a lowly #106 on the Billboard charts and signify the beginning of the end of her career.