Timbaland needs to take several thousand million trillion seats. After going on Power 106 last month to promote Missy Elliott’s awful new singles by ranting and raving about the current state of music and acting like he was going to bring his stale ass urban beats back to the top of the charts, it turns out that he’s now producing an entire album of Z-grade club-pop with Puerto Rican songstress Noelia.
Latin pop fans should already know Noelia. The now 33-year-old sold a few million records and had a handful of hits about a decade ago before her career started to cool off. She then blasted back into the spotlight in 2007 when a sex tape of her copping her rapper boyfriend’s fat dick up the ass leaked online. Now, nobody loves huge Hispanic cock more than I do, but unless you’re an American socialite looking for a leg up in Hollywood, then that kind of video is never a good look when made public.
After spending the next few years as a washed-up flop, Noelia staged a bit of a comeback this past May when her hot mess of a single “Kiss Me!” reached No. 14 on Billboard’s club chart. Her Timbland-produced follow up “My Everything” is doing even better, currently sitting at No. 2. It’s a pile of shit that makes Paulina Rubio’s recent work with RedOne look like Purple Rain by comparison, but it’d probably go off in the gay bar after about ten mojitos. Timbo must really love it, because now he’s producing an entire English-language album for Noelia.
“My Everything” works for whatever trash it is that Noelia’s going for, but knowing where it came from is just depressing. It sounds like Timbaland turned on Z100, whipped out his iPad, and took notes on dance-pop production from whatever derivative garbage was on heaviest rotation. He may have successfully reinvented himself in the mid-2000s, but “My Everything” is a surefire sign that his musical mojo is now gone for good.