When I first read rumors that Britney Spears might be joining the X Factor, I closed the tab on my browser and went back to searching for Zayn Malik bulge shots in Google Images. Reports of new celebrities joining the tabloid talent show pop up in the press all the time (“KIM KARDASHIAN’S VAGINA LANDS TEN TRILLION DOLLAR DEAL TO JUDGE X FACTOR!”), so I assumed that we’d see the Britney rumors filed under the B.S. Alert section of her official website within the hour.
But then the rumors started gaining some steam.
Billboard (via The Hollywood Reporter) quote a “well-placed” source (‘Mona Lisa’ with a cloth over the phone’s mouthpiece) as saying that Jason Trawick is negotiating a deal to get Godney on the series, while a tonne of tabloids claim that Team Britney have knocked back a $10 million dollar offer and are asking for double if they want the Queen B to do the struggling show.
Do we really want Britney on the X Factor, though? Is it the best thing for her? Let’s assess the situation, y’all.
- Britney no longer has a personality (at least, not in public), and a show like the X Factor is fueled by the outrageous antics of the judging panel. The last two years of Britney interviews have consisted of nothing more than, “Cool“, “I like scented candles“, and “I watch Sex & the City on DVD“. Cute, but that’s hardly going to make for riveting television.
- Britney is too big for X Factor. Even with Femme Fatale’s poor worldwide sales and Britney’s current, ‘Just cut the damn cheque so I can go home and feed Sean and Jayden Cheetos for dinner‘ state, Godney is still far too big to slum it on a series like the X Factor. It’s the kind of show that Nicki Minaj should be doing to extend her fifteen minutes, not the iconic Princess of Pop. Not only does the X Factor suck big donkey balls, but American Idol is still beating it in the ratings, and The Voice has already established itself as the new go-to talent show for 2012, with local versions starting to pop up everywhere from the UK to Australia. #No1curr about Flop Factor anymore.
- How is Britney supposed to mentor her group? According to the credits of her last album Femme Fatale, she didn’t have one shred of creative input in the disc, and even the one contribution she made –the vocals– were tweaked processed by a small army of producers and engineers. Now she’s expected to manage a bunch of wannabe singers? This will either prove to be a wonderful outlet for her artistic creativity, which has long been rumored to have been stifled by evil managers and label execs, or a total recipe for disaster. Can you imagine Britney trying to spend some 1-on-1 time with one of her artists while she’s surrounded by fifty assistants, lawyers, bodyguards, and RCA staffers?
- X Factor could turn into another excuse for the press to bash Britney. The Pop Princess has always been slated by the media 10 times worse than her contemporaries, which is probably why her stans are so fucking deranged and delusional — they need to stan 10 times harder just to try and defend all the criticism aimed at the Queen B. Lord knows that if Britney doesn’t bring her A-game to the show, she’ll be ripped to shreds and could end up doing harm to her image. Is it really worth the risk?
- X Factor may bring Britney out of her shell again. Just because she seems to have no personality nowadays, doesn’t mean that she never had one. One of the reasons that people love the Queen B so much is because of her goofy, down-to-earth, barefoot-in-the-public-toilet persona, and it’d be great to see that side of Godney come out again. The evil powers-that-be may be able to control Britney’s press interviews, but they won’t be able to muzzle her on live TV.
- Us nostalgic old twenty-somethings will be slayed when the old Britney Vs. Christina feud is reignited. With both pop divas on rival talent shows, the tabloids will be sure to create rumors of fighting between the pair like it’s 2001 all over again. Their feud will be further fueled when Aggie inevitably makes some cunty comment during an interview about how she paved the way for women on television, and that without her around to start the trend, X Factor wouldn’t even exist. J. Lo may join the drama if she has a new single to promote at the time.
- Uh, it’s Britney. I hate the X Factor, but even I’d watch that piece of shit show just for five seconds of The Holy Spearit perched behind a desk smiling awkwardly and offering her stunning critiques (“It was really cool. I liked it. Yeah.”).
What do you hoes think? Do you want Britney on X Factor, or should she just stick to doing whatever it is she does these days?