The Prophet Blog

2011 has been a year that’s produced some truly fantastic tunes.

We’ve had stellar new albums from Adele, Bon Iver, Florence + the Machine, and Drake, just to name a few, and while nothing has managed to reach the dizzying heights of the masterpiece that was Heidi Montag’s Superficial from last year, we’ve still been pretty lucky overall.

But on the other hand, there’s also been a whole lotta shit.

Bruno Mars wouldn’t stop polluting the radio, Aussie pop-flop diva Natalie Bassingthwaite tried to make a comeback, and Beyonce released about 37 terrible singles from her album 4. Yes, the airwaves were truly treacherous this year, but we survived, and to celebrate our adversity over the bad arts, I’ve compiled a list of the 20 Worst Songs of the Year (inspired by my buddy at ChartRigger) to reminds us all just how strong and triumphant we’ve truly been over these past 11 months.

Lest we forget…

20. Taio Cruz – Hangover

This is the second time that Taio Cruz’s abysmal “Hangover” has made it onto The Prophet Blog. The first was in a post titled “Does Taio Cruz’s “Hangover” have the worst lyrics of the year?” which highlighted some of the mindless trash lines from this crappy youth-destroying jam, such as the elequent “I got a little bit trashed last night / I got a little bit wasted (yeah yeah) / I got a little shit faced (yeah yeah).”

With songs like this around, MTV are going to have to lower the age of their hit series 16 & Pregnant down a few years. How about they just call next season, Knocked Up, Fucked Up, and 10?

19. Natalie Bassingthwaighte – All We Have

Mashing together J.Lo’s “On The Floor” with “Mr. Saxobeat” and about every other trash Euro-pop song that charted in the past year kind of sounds hot in theory, but the final result is anything but.

Okay, I can admit that I kind of like “All We Have” for being so horrendous that it’s somewhat amazing, but I still know that it’s the biggest clusterfuck of incoherent noise since Born This Way. This flop didn’t even crack the Top 100 in Australia, despite Natalie being a judge on the country’s biggest show, X Factor, and performing the track on every major TV platform that the land down under has to offer.

Natalie’s now using her time more wisely, focusing on her television career and starting a family. In other words: “All We Have” ended her music career forever!

18. Mary J. Blige – 25/8

Mary J’s musical output has been on a bit of a downward spiral since 2005′s stellar The Breakthrough, but the Queen of Hip-Hop/Soul really hit rock bottom with this dud. The Queen’s vocals can’t be faulted, and the old-school production is quite good, but Eric Hudson needs to be shot for coming up with this terrible concept about loving somebody 25/8. You know, coz you adore them so much that there’s not enough time in the world to show it, so instead of 24/7 you need 25/8. Get it?

Further working against this chart poison is the music video, which is so cheap that it makes Beyonce’s I Am Sasha Fierce era visuals look like “Thriller” by comparison.

I need an extra hour in the day and day in the week just to forget that this mess exists!

17. Sugababes – Freedom

We all thought that the Sugababes couldn’t sink any lower after Sweet 7, and then “Freedom” came along.

This atrocious stinker is a slap in the face to anybody who ever called themselves a Sugababes fan. It’s so bad that their label had to cancel it four days before the official release because buzz for the song was so low that it’s inevitable non-charting debut would’ve surely serves as the final nail in the coffin of the Sugababes career.

As if their career wasn’t already over, anyway. What’s one more flop to add to the tally?

16. Kelly Rowland – Down For Whatever

K-Row was one of the first urban artists to succumb to the current dance craze, serving up classy club hits like “When Love Takes Over”, “Commander”, and the underrated “Forever And a Day”.

But has anybody else noticed how lately with Kelly it’s all about sex, sex, and more sex? After bagging a surprise hit with the amazing “Motivation”, Kelly’s turned into a cock-crazed slut, tearing her clothes off at every opportunity and begging Big Sean for a dickin’ in the borderline-porn video for “Lay It On Me”. Her latest single, “Down For Whatever”, is the worst song that this dance diva has ever released (okay, “Rose Colored Glasses” is, but who’s counting?), with the former Destiny’s Child star screeching about being fucked in a variety of filthy ways over a hideously generic and uninspired club beat.

What happened to the Kelly that used to make good, clean dance music?

15. Nicki Minaj Feat Rihanna – Fly

Nicki Minaj may work better as a feature artist than a soloist, but she has managed to take the lead on a scant few tunes and nail it. Too bad that “Fly” ain’t one of ‘em. The dreary inspirational ballad is a definite low point in Nicki’s already questionable discography, and the absolute worst song that the glamorous Rihanna has ever featured on.

You know that you’re really up shit creek without a paddle when a feature from Rihanna can’t even save you.

14. Nicole Scherzinger – Wet

A former Pussycat Doll sings about how juicy her snatch is over one of Stargate’s most low budget beats to date. The only redeeming quality of this garbage is the accompanying music video, which shows a ridiculously hot Scherzinger getting sweaty and repeatedly spreading her legs.

Seriously y’all, how many times must this woman flop until we are rid of her? The least she could do is show us her pussy in Playboy after all these years of torturous cockteasing.

13. Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song

With his endless stream of made-for-radio turds, Bruno Mars has quickly become one of my most loathed artists of 2011. It’s hard to choose just which one of his tunes is the most wretched, but “The Lazy Song” is definitely up there.

And many people seem to agree. Just from a quick Google search, I found “The Lazy Song” on no less than five different ‘Worst Of…’ year-end lists. With a month still left to go, I’m sure we’ll see it on many more before the new year rolls around.

12. Pixie Lott – All About Tonight

This vaginal secretion of a song may have gone to No. 1 in the UK, but I’m still calling it a career-ending flop that only charted off of comeback hype. With this one song, Pixie went from being Duffy for tweens to a horny soccer mum gyrating her coochie around to a beat so cheap that not even Porcelain Black would touch it with a ten foot pole.

And really, for an artist whose first album went double platinum, would it have been that hard to find a song that didn’t sound like it was produced and recorded on a first generation Nokia cell phone?

11. Jessie J – Who’s Laughing Now

I can’t help but like Jessie J when I see her interviewed, but Jessie J the actual artist and performer is a whole different story. From her garish stage outfits to her hypocritical preaching about materialism, everything about this manufactured screecher fits in with the contrived cliches of today’s pop world, so it’s only natural that her label would have her churn out some lame anti-bullying anthem to fit in with the cool kids.

Yawn.

10. Willow Smith – 21st Century Girl

Everybody loved Willow Smith after the release of “Whip My Hair”. I mean, how could you not? I think her father’s movies are garbage and even I still stanned my wig off for that damn song. But despite all the love, all it took was the hideous “21st Century Girl” to completely kill Willow’s momentum and temporarily destroy her burgeoning pop career in the blink of an eye.

Whose idea was it to follow-up an edgy hair-whipping smash with this Z-grade Rihanna reject? RiRi wouldn’t even deem this redundant shit worthy enough to be a B-side on Talk That Talk.

9. LMFAO – Sexy & I Know It

I’m not some lame pop elitist who thinks that it’s not okay to like LMFAO’s music. “Party Rock Anthem” and “Champagne Showers” are epic party tunes, “La La La” is adorable, and “Shots” is always a tonne of fun when you’re getting hammered.

But “Sexy & I Know It”? No. Just no.

8. Beyonce – 1+1

Question: Who wants to see Beyonce greased up like a Thanksgiving turkey and wailing about math and al-geh-bah?

Nobody? Good. Now somebody stick this oily bitch in the Easy-Bake Oven where she belongs. It’s dinner time!

7. Bruno Mars – It Will Rain

Aaaaahhhhrg! How many terrible top forty pop ballads can Bruno Mars churn out? My God. They just never never end. And this coke fiend was even rude enough to make this one a single from the Twilight soundtrack. Hello, what if I wanted to go and see that movie? Now I’m going to have to miss out on discovering what happens to Bella and Edward just in case this fucking song plays during the film and I’m forced to hear it again.

6. Beyonce – Best Thing I Never Had

After her first attempt at trying to be edgy blew up in her face, fail whale Beyonce stripped down to her bra & panties and screeched out another one of her trademark generic R&B tunes. This dated trash turned out to be the worst hit she never had, and was just one of the many flops to come out of the disastrous 4 album.

What goes around, comes back around…

5. The Saturdays – My Heart Takes Over

After years of being Girls Aloud For Dummies, The Saturdays finally stopped releasing crap like “Missing You” and got things right with both “Notorious” and “All Fired Up”. Just when I was ready to forgive The Sats for their heinous crimes against pop music, they had to go and undo all the good work they had done by releasing the year’s worst ballad.

Granted, they didn’t really have a choice since one of the members stupidly decided to get pregnant (and then frickin’ KEEP IT!) right before the release of group’s new album, but that’s still no excise for this.

Seriously, it sounds like Bruno Mars in girl group form — and that’s not a good thing!

4. Bad Meets Evil Feat Bruno Mars – Lighters

What’s worse than the bargain bin version of The Throne teaming up with Bruno Mars?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad meets evil doesn’t even come close to describing this vile, ungodly abomination.

And of course, this stupid flop always comes on the radio while I’m in the shower, usually when I’m washing my hair or doing something else that prevents me from tearing the damn thing out of the wall and hurling it out the bathroom window. Jesus has a truly sick sense of humor whenever that happens.

3. Beyonce – Run The World (Girls)

Ah, the flop that started it all.

“Run The World” isn’t just bad, it’s plain embarrassing. In a completely misguided attempt to be edgy by tapping into the growing mainstream popularity of Diplo & Switch, Bey took Major Lazer’s two-year-old club smash “Pon de Floor” and simply just screamed more tired female empowerment lyrics over the top of it. A hot ass mess if there ever was one, “Run The World” couldn’t even break the top twenty after Bey performed it on Oprah’s final episode, which was watched by over 16 million frickin’ people.

Since Bey is listed as both the songwriter and producer of this disaster, we can hold her entirely responsible for this gaping asshole of a song.

2. Brian McFadden – Just The Way You Are (Drunk At The Bar)

How this was ever actually released is beyond me. No seriously, the label executive that gave this the greenlight is probably eating baked beans out of a can right now and begging for pennies at the local bus station.

This offensive date rape anthem sees former Westlife singer Brian McFadden singing over $2 techno and a “Cotton Eye Joe” style banjo riff  about taking advantage of a drunken woman at the club.

The chorus of this violation against the vulnerable goes: “I like you just the way you are / drunk as shit, dancing at the bar / I can’t wait to get you home so I can do some damage / I like you just the way you are / drunk in the backseat of my car / I can’t wait to get you home so I can take advantage.”

This is the novelty song from hell. And you thought that “Crazy Frog” was bad.

1. Will.i.am Feat Jennifer Lopez & Mick Jagger – T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)

A lot of people love to say that they hate will.i.am, but deep down, I don’t think that they really do. How can we, as human beings, hate the man who gave us the Black Eyed Peas, Britney’s “Big Fat Bass”, and frickin’ Fergie? This is the same man who has vowed to bring 2NE1 to America and had his bodyguard punch Perez Hilton, the most hated man in the world.

We should be down on our knees praising Will for all he’s done!

But as for creating this… this song — if that’s what you want to call it — will.i.am has committed a crime that is truly, absolutely, 100% unforgivable.

Jennifer Lopez’s involvement, I can understand — the woman will do about anything for a hit these days — and Mick Jagger is so old that all pop music must just sound the same to him, but will.i.am has absolutely no excuse.

This monotonous pile of shit contains zero redeeming qualities. Even LMFAO can fall back on the fact that their songs are somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there’s nothing that will.i.am can say or do to get a pass for this. Giving birth to a porcupine out of your urethra is more pleasant than having to sit through “T.H.E.”, which, might I add, is a song named after one of the most basic and simple words in the entire English language.

Can you believe that Mick Jagger — the legendary frontman of the biggest rock ‘n’ roll band in history — will now have to go to his grave knowing that he willingly took part in this?

Will is going to hell for this one!