The Prophet Blog

Remember when RedOne launched that awful Euro-trash girl group Love Generation and they totally sucked and disappeared after like two months? Well, the pop mastermind has learned from his mistakes, because he’s back with his own boy band Midnight Red, and honey, these five divas are FIERCE.

The fivesome are signed to Interscope Records, they’re currently opening for New Kids on the Block on tour, and their first single “One Club At a Time” is on iTunes now. The song is your typical generic RedOne banger, but I have to admit, it’s kind of awesome. Right now Usher is tearfully banging his head against one of Justin Bieber’s Platinum plaques and cursing RedOne for not letting him record “One Club at a Time” for his future Rev-Pop record.

Just to give you an idea of what “One Club at a Time” sounds like, let me sing a few lyrics: “We’re takin’ over, takin’ over the floor, one club at a time, one club at a time time time TIME, one club at a time time time TIME, one club at a time time time time, yeah yeah!”

Listen to “One Club At a Time”

Can your faves?

Just so you can get to know Midnight Red properly, I’ve compiled some quick bios for each member. After you’ve read it, I expect you to choose your favorite, plus the one you hate, and which one you think is the Justin Timberlake/Nick Carter/Nick Lachey/Beyonce of the group.

Name: Colton Rudloff
Age: 22
Role: The Kween Bee

Colton’s the H.B.I.C. when it comes to Midnight Red. His boy next door charm and resemblance to Ezra Fitz from Shitty Little Liars will make him an immediate favorite with young girls, and as the group’s oldest member, he’ll slide naturally into the leader position. Colton also comes packaged with ready-built fanbase thanks to his pre-Midnight Red success as a popular Youtube cover singer.

However, Colton will need to watch out for member Anthony, who has the potential to become a late bloomer and steal his shine with some good ol’ fashioned backstabbing.

Name: Joey Diggs Jr.
Age: 21
Role: The Bad Boy

Joey does double duties as both Midnight Red’s resident bad boy and the group’s token black guy. (Record Exec #1: “We need a bad boy.” Record Exec #2: “Find a black kid. Black people look tough.”) I imagine that Joey had dreams of being the next Usher, but when the opportunity to join RedOne’s new boy band came along, he knew it was too good to pass up and begrudgingly signed on the dotted line. Now he’s torn: half of him is grateful to be signed, and the other half is pissed off that he’s now stuck in a pop group with a bunch of sissies. But Joey’s a nice guy, he’s just dull as dishwater. Plus, he’s secretly planning to use Midnight Red as a springboard to a solo career, but it’s not gonna work.

Name: Thomas Augusto
Age: 19
Role: The Gay One

Joey described Thomas as “the fierce one”, which also means he’s gay. Thomas cites Mariah Carey as the reason he started singing and he’s a Beyonce stan, which makes him a total 100% guaranteed power bottom.

Unlike Lance Bass before him, Thomas won’t have to hide his sexuality much since nowadays gay’s are cool with the kids thanks to Adam Lambert, Lady GaGa, and Glee. Tommy’s gayness will automatically make him one of the most fun members of the group, since everybody knows that straight people are boring and lame, while gays are sassy and outrageous and have sex constantly.

One day he’ll look back at that hair and cringe. SMH.

Name: Anthony Ladao
Age: 18
Role: The Dance Diva

Anthony is the best dancer of the group, and almost went on tour with Janet Jackson, but he was 12 at the time so it didn’t really work out. He’s totally hot and he’s the most stylish of the group in a crappy teenage kind of way, so he’ll be an instant favorite with fans.

Due to his skills as a dancer, Ant will land solo dance spots during the group’s future concerts, which will give him his first real taste of solo stardom. With looks and youth on his side, Ant will make a grab for Colton’s wig as Midnight Red’s most popular member, and will eventually plan a solo album like Justin Timberlake.

Name: Eric Secharia
Age: 19
Role: The Nerd

Sweetheart Eric describes himself as “the hipster” of the group, but that’s just wishful thinking — he’s the nerd. But this bitch can sing, and his geeky charm will make him a fan favorite and the group’s dark horse. Eric will ride the Midnight Red wave while it lasts, and then will move into other parts of the industry like acting or behind-the-scenes work. In ten years time when most of the other members are collecting unemployment cheques and cursing Interscope for screwing them out of millions of dollars with a shitty recording contract, Eric will be living comfortably thanks to a series of smart business decisions.

And there you have it. Aren’t you so super excited that manufactured boy bands may possibly be coming back? I know I am!

“One Club at a Time” is currently available on iTunes, either as a single download or as part of a 4-track EP featuring two remixes and a NKOTB cover. As a treat, you can listen to the official Purple Crush remix of “One Club at a Time” below. It’s kind of the same as the original, but a bit longer and fiercer for the clubs. You can also see the music video for Purple Crush’s own solo single “Sweat” by clicking here — it’s very, uh, interesting!