One thing y’all probably don’t know about me is that I love female porn stars. I even met Jesse Jane at a promo event for Pirates II and got a signed photo and poster. Anyway, last night I was checking up on my girl Houston –the legendary gang bang icon who made history in 1999 when she had sex with 620 men in one day and later sold a piece of her labia online– to see what she’s been up to lately. In addition to becoming a real estate agent in Vegas, returning to porn after a brief retirement to preach the gospel, and putting out an autobiography, I was ecstatic to discover that Houston recently released THREE stunning dance tracks.
Houston actually tried to launch a singing career back in the early 2000s after doing a VH1 reality series called Porn to Rock. She promoted her underrated Shirley Manson knock-off “What Do You Want From Me?” on The Howard Stern Show and even got some feedback from the Queen of Rock herself, Courtney Love, but the world just simply wasn’t ready for the musical talents of Houston. The dismayed diva dropped the mic and went back to doing her trademark triple penetrations on camera, before finally making her triumphant return to music late last year with little-known South African producer, Vince Ladd. For her new tunes, the songstress has swapped rock ‘n’ roll for electronica. Ladd lays down some French house beats, and Houston moans and talks dirty over the top. It’s all very Paris Hilton “Drunk Text,” only 1000x better.
On “Body Suite,” a robotic Houston talks about “the hottest nude body suit you’ve ever seen,” describing in repetitive detail how the crystals from the embellished suit shine against her “tanned, dark skin.” On the largely instrumental “Djin Pallace,” Houston enters two minutes into the song and moans: “Don’t stop fucking me with that big hard cock… I’m gonna cum all over your cock, baby. I can feel it dripping down my asshole.”
In other words, Lady GaGa need not even bother releasing her upcoming dance album now. Houston has simply set the bar too high.
Houston’s tunes are currently available for purchase on iTunes.