Last week we all had a laugh about how everybody hated the corny trailer for Katy Perry‘s new music video, “The One That Got Away”.
Now the full clip has arrived, and I have some good news: It’s no longer that lame 500 Days of Summer knock-off with the terrible voiceover that the trailer alluded to.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s amazing or anything.
Check out six very important things that I noticed from “The One That Got Away” below.
Warning: Spoilers ahead.
1. Old Katy Perry and her dramatic stares
Throughout the course of the video, an old Katy Perry can often be seen sitting in her bedroom and melodramatically reminiscing about her long lost love. Every shot is usually preceded by a flashback scene of a young Katy having the time of her life and being all carefree and irreverent, and then we cut to Granny Perry giving off one of those long stares that actors on Days of our Lives do at the end of each scene.
And why is her forehead so smooth? She’s like 100 years old. Botox must stop working at some point.
2. Katy’s futuristic coffee
Is that what having a cup of coffee in the future looks like? Or are these just ultra-modern designs that most rich people use already, and I’m just too poor to recognize it?
Whatever the case may be, you couldn’t pay me enough to prepare coffee in one of these things. The steel handle on that death trap would heat up to about a million degrees, severely burning your hand and/or genitalia upon contact. And drinking coffee from a clear cup is not cute — Katy looks like she’s gone senile in her old age and started pouring herself hot mugs of cola-cola.
“Come on, nan, you know you’re not supposed to boil the soft drinks in the fridge. Sit down and relax, and I’ll make you a cup of tea, okay?”
“Huh? Whatcha say, love? I made some tea in the kettle, Bernice. I’ll pour you a cup and we can see what’s on at the pictures. We can watch the new one with Clark Gable. Let me get my purse, Bernice.”
“Nan, it’s me, Michael. Bernice died in 1957.”
“Huh? Whatcha say, love?”
3. The old Polaroids
Lol, so charming and vintage. And they’re in black & white, too.
4. The fight scene
Katy and this so-called love of her live couldn’t have been that serious if they were both immature enough to destroy each others’ artwork and then throw a tantrum about it. It seems to me that this was a rather unhealthy and volatile relationship that was best ended before the next logical occurrence of domestic violence started taking place.
5. The boulders
Why are there boulders just sitting in the middle of the road like that? Why are they so precisely positioned? If they had rolled down from one of the mountains, wouldn’t they have landed differently? Even the dirt surrounding them looks suspicious — it doesn’t even reach the sides of the road. It’s like they were placed there by a truck.
There are only two logical explanations for these boulders: Either a giant made of stone took a dump in the middle of the road, or Katy concocted this whole scheme to murder her boyfriend and steal his secret fortune, which is how she afforded to buy that fancy coffee pot.
6. The radio at the end
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”
She should’ve been listening to “Thinking Of You” instead, and then the camera could cut back to her crusty old husband from the beginning of the video, showing him doing one of those long dramatic stares out the window as he tries to figure out why his wife has been driving off to the same cliff every afternoon at 3pm for the past fifty years.