The Prophet Blog

X Factor bosses have grown tired of smelling the wafting aroma of Nicole Scherzinger‘s puakenikeni on a daily basis, so rather than equipping the show’s cast and crew with gas masks or politely asking Nicole to close her legs for once, they just fired the bitch instead.

A source broke the exclusive story to E! News a few hours ago, claiming that Nicole wants to work on her music rather than X Factor. And by ‘source’, I mean Nicole in a payphone booth with a cloth over the mouthpiece to muffle her voice.

“She wants to focus on her music career,” the ‘source’ tells E!. “She’s spoken to Simon [Cowell] and he’s given her his blessing. X Factor took a lot more of her time than she ever expected. She didn’t have any time really to work on her music. She was doing X Factor six days a week.“

Nicole, please. Your music career is a non-event and the X Factor was the only thing keeping your name alive. You were fired because of your incessant crying and all those polls that named you the most annoying person on reality TV, such as this one and this one.

The only mistake FOX made was renewing X Factor for a second season. Why fire Nicole when you could just cancel the entire show instead?

Still, The Prophet Blog is compassionate towards Nicole’s plight, and I believe that there are plenty of other jobs out there that she’d be brilliant at — a TV judge just ain’t one of ‘em. So here’s my list of the top five new jobs Nicole can take instead of coasting through 2012 unemployed like Ashley Roberts.

5. Ghost vocalist for Cheryl Cole

Since Nicole stole Cheryl’s job and then completely fucked things up, it’s only fair that she repay Cheryl for the mess she’s made. Cheryl’s a huge star, but she’s the worst vocalist in pop history, while Nicole can hold a tune, but can’t get a hit to save her life, so the ultimate solution to this predicament would be to have Nicole’s voice on Cheryl’s records. Problem solved! Of course, Cheryl won’t actually pay Nicole for this, but she’ll allow the former Pussycat Doll to live rent-free in her pool house, which is a pretty good offer now that Nicole’s facing homelessness.

4. Building homes for disadvantaged gay youths using her unreleased CDs

The storage room in Interscope Records must have millions of Nicole’s many shelved albums, like Her Name Is Nicole, Killer Love (US edition), the Eden’s Crush sophomore album, and the “Nobody Can Change Me” promo CDS. Instead of just hurling these records into a huge ditch where they belong, Nicole could use her horrible music for good by using the jewel cases to build affordable new housing projects for gay street kids. Not only will it provide shelter for America’s displaced homosexual youth, but after a big night of underage clubbing and hours of unprotected sex, the tweaked-out twinks living in these houses will be able to continue the party at home by spazzing out to Nicole’s underground club classics like “Wet”, “Poison”, and that one “Baby Love” remix. Because, let’s face it — ain’t nobody but gay teenagers listening to Nicole Scherzinger.

3. Replacement for Chuy on Chelsea Lately

Nicole already fucked Ron Fair for her record deal and Simon Cowell for her X Factor gig, so why not take it one step further by eating out Chelsea Handler’s clam? With Nicole’s unrivaled powers of seduction, she’ll surely be able to convince Handler to let her replace Chuy the Mexican midget on Chelsea Lately.

2. Professional lounge singer in Slovakia

“Baby Love” may have been one of the most hideous flops of the 21st century, but there was one country where it was a resounding success – Slovakia! The will.i.am-assisted single smashed into the charts at No. 8, proving that the people of Slovakia were the only ones who really appreciated Scherzy’s talent. So naturally, the next logical step in Nicole’s career would be to take up a permanent residency in some of Bratislava’s finest bars and clubs as a lounge singer.

Just picture it: you’re relaxing at the bar, sipping on a glass of Slovakia’s cheapest wine as the sultry Nicole belts out her finest jazz covers like “Feelin’ Good” and “Fever” to a half-empty and totally disinterested crowd of drunks and tourists. Hey, at least she’ll be playing to more people than she will on her upcoming UK tour.

1. Robin Antin’s personal tampon

Robin Antin may be about 100-years-old, but she has the personality of a teenager and only looks 40 thanks to her extensive plastic surgery. Despite already going through menopause, Robin maintains her youthful glow by getting the eggs of potential Pussycat Dolls implanted into her ovaries once a month in an illegal backyard clinic in L.A.. She usually queefs them out at home with the help of her personal assistant, but the red wine tends to flow unexpectedly whenever she’s filming one of her famous workout DVDs, and let me tell you – it can get a little messy. Since Nicole practically lived inside of Robin’s spacious puakenikeni during the glory days of PCD, it seems only logical for her to return there as Robin’s personal pad. While trapped inside, she could tidy the place up, paint the pink walls a nice eggshell white, rehearse her choreography, and even invite her A-list pals like Mohombi and Sean Garrett over for tea.

Everybody wins!