I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes when I checked the credits for Bruno Mars‘ new single “Locked Out of Heaven” and saw that he didn’t actually sample Sting or The Police. Not even Lady GaGa’s Madonna knock-off “Born this Way” is as shamelessly unoriginal as “Locked Out of Heaven” is. Mars essentially just mashed up some of The Police’s old hits, added some lyrics about beating up a good pussy over the top, and called it day.
Seriously, was GaGa Mars on another one of his infamous coke binges when he wrote this? He probably recorded with Jeff Bhasker while they were both stoned and high, having just spent the previous night partying non-stop at Frank Ocean’s pad with Amanda Bynes and Miguel.
Shade aside, I gotta admit that “Locked Out of Heaven” is by far the best Bruno Mars song ever made (hardly a difficult feat to accomplish). It’s the only thing he’s ever done that hasn’t had me reaching for the earplugs ten seconds in, and I’m gonna thank The Police for that and nobody else.
Fuck it. I may as well just pretend that this is The Police’s new single. That way I don’t have to deal with the psychological trauma that comes from knowing that I like a Bruno Mars song.