Beyonce is doing everything right now to ensure that her forthcoming album puts her back on top now that her rival Rihanna has surpassed her success. The desperado has already cut a cheque to perform at next year’s Super Bowl, penned a number of public letters to high-profile figures like the Obamas, started polluting Tumblr and Instagram with annoying posts (because Beyonce is way too good to tweet like some ratty commoner), and now she’s set to follow in the footsteps of Paris Hilton by releasing her own documentary film.
Of course, this one won’t be released to theaters like the blockbuster docu-films from Bey’s more famous peers like Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. Instead, it’ll air on HBO, similar to how Nicki Minaj’s three-part docu-series aired on the E! channel. With a premiere date of February 16, the film will likely center on Bey’s Super Bowl performance and the recording of her comeback album. Addressing the premiere on her official Flopbook page (via Toyaz-World), the singer’s ghostwriter wrote:
“HBO has a history of pushing every boundary with class and authenticity. Some of my favorite shows are on HBO, so I am excited that my film will be part of its bold programming. This film was so personal to me, it had to have the right home.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure Bey watches absolutely nothing on HBO — except maybe True Blood, which she probably didn’t discover until season three was finished. Y’all know Bey stays glued to X Factor, Modern Family, Two and a Half Men, and The Game.
Also, please keep in mind that when Beyonce says “documentary”, she actually means “scripted fluff project to make me look good.” Who can forget The Year of 4, in which Bey claimed that she picks up Solange’s kid from school, casually rode a bicycle out in the middle of nowhere (right next to a camera crew in a huge van), lied about managing herself, and faked a spontaneous “creative meeting” to look like an empowered independent businesswoman.
On her next flopumentary, you can expect Bey to exploit Poison Ivy for publicity and ramble about how much motherhood has changed and inspired her. So, now that I’ve told everyone exactly what’s going to happen, Bey may as well just stream the whole thing for free on Goop.com and save the otherwise respectable HBO from hitting record rating lows this February.
Who’s with me?